Lately, I’ve been fucked up more times than not. Not fucked up in the sense that I’m rolling blunts and drowning in vodka but in the sense that my mind has just not been in the right place at the right time.
For example, right now. I should be asleep. It’s 4:22am, and I have class in 4.5 hours. With one hour of prep and drive time. This is nothing new, really. Only it’s getting worse. It used to be me looking at the clock before I went to bed and it was 2. And then it was 3. And now it’s 4. On days off, I wake up at 3pm and don’t eat until dinner. Meaning: I’m eating one meal a day. And sometimes I barely eat that.
The other day I promised I would attend all my classes and when I was getting ready I decided to lay back down for just a little bit and wound up waking up a half hour later. I rushed to take a shower and get going and I was making pretty decent time until I drove right past my turn and didn’t realize it until a block down the road where I literally mumbled to myself “Did I seriously just miss my turn?” And I didn’t get to my first class.
I must say, I destroyed my New Media Literature midterm even though I spent about ten minutes studying the terms (I’m a writer. I already know them, I guess), and totally used my scribble skills to get a perfect on the essay. I’m so damn good at writing. I should write a book. Too bad the very thing that’s supposed to be benefiting my future is completely destroying the thing I need MOST for MY future to work. And that’s creativity.
I also say a lot of stuff I don’t mean to people… Things that I don’t think, at the time, are very significant but then a minute later I’m like “Well, I really shouldn’t have said that.” And I apologize for that.
I know exactly how you feel, especially the part about college stifling creativity. Maybe we’re both going crazy!
I know what you’re talking about. I’ve been doing this kind of stuff recently, missing opportunities and screwing stuff up.